September being the solo parenting special of Smart Parenting, we bring you a formidable Filipina icon of woman empowerment in modern society.
Amidst the buzz of arguments and clashing views regarding the RH bill, an ongoing demolition in Old Balara, we set off to interview politician, Akbayan party-list representative, activist and journalist Risa Hontiveros-Baraquel, in her home located not too far from where the action was.
Risa is every bit as refined, mild-mannered and soft-spoken as we see her on TV. Which makes us wonder, in the middle of political and social issues she faces every day, how does she keep her cool and look after her family with finesse?
Full House
Unbeknownst to many, Risa is a solo parent to four children, namely 18-year-old Kiko, a freshman in college, 16-year-old Issa, 14-year-old Ianna and 9-year-old Sinta. Imagine how challenging it is to discipline kids coming from different age groups!
“[My bunso] is five years younger than the one she followed, so para siyang panganay ulit and she’s Miss pasali, she’s always trying to squeeze in [between] her two ates. The three teenagers, they tend to cluster together; they can also be very hard on her, disciplining her.” Risa has to remind the three eldest to go easy on their baby sister since she’s the only non-teen in the house. “They have their own dynamics among the three of them; minsan love-hate talaga. But generally they get along; they enjoy each other’s company.”
Incidentally, each of her kids go to four different schools in four different cities. Risa jokes, “Wow, I’m a parent in the whole educational system, on all levels, and I’m a member of all the parent-teacher organizations!”
We asked her if there have ever been any instances wherein one child got envious of another, or if any felt she wasn’t giving any enough attention. She replies that she tries to treat each child fairly and justly. “I think hindi naman sila nagkakainggitan. It was my policy from the start not to play favorites, just to love each one maybe differently but equally. Things should be fair, things should be just.”
Instead, Risa makes it a point to attend her children’s events, say, her eldest Kiko’s gig (he plays bass for his band Downdraft) or to watch his football game. Being mom to teens, of course, has its shortcomings. “Siyempre ‘pag gig, ‘di ako imbitado, because I’m too old for that! It’s a teen thing.”
On this note, she amusingly shares with us a conversation she had recently with her son:
Risa: “You want me to watch?”
Kiko: “It will be all college kids. It’s in a bar.”
Risa: “But you don’t want me to watch?”
Kiko: “Please don’t.”
Juggling Act
It’s amazing that Risa still manages to make time for her kids despite the demands of her career and causes. On weekdays, her kids wake up at 5 a.m., get dressed for school, then she drops two off (she alternates with yaya who drops off the other two). She then heads straight to the Akbayan headquarters or to a morning meeting. She usually arrives very early that the only other people there would be the guards, she tells us with a laugh.
Usually she gets home after supper, around 11 p.m. on really hectic days, just so she could make sure that her kids get at least 8 hours of sleep. These days, however, she hardly has control anymore over their bedtime because her three eldest can often be found chatting with one another, doing homework or on Facebook, with kuya playing with his bass guitar until late at night.
One wonders how a busy body like Risa ever finds time to bond with her kids. Her secretary, Jet, makes sure to keep one day in the weekend free, during which twatch movies, go to the bookstore or attend mass every other Sunday at the Ateneo. One of their new year’s resolutions, aside from the weekend pasyal, is to go to mass together. “Masama ang loob ko if one couldn’t come, either because one of them may lakad or another one wakes up late.”
On rare occasions, Risa goes on “dates” with all her kids, or one-on-one dates with just her girls.
Presented with the challenge of being a solo parent, Risa faces it head-on and with a smile. “I think it’s common for a parent that when our kids are still growing up, there are just things that you have to do. There are just ways you have to take care of them, lalo na for solo parents. Sometimes we joke, ‘How do we do this stuff? We just sleep less!’
The Demands of Discipline and Open Communication
Being an advocate of active non-violence, it comes as no surprise that Risa and her late husband, Frank Baraquel, are not fans of corporal punishment. “It was the idea that it’s better to reason with them so they develop their own internal discipline and communicate.”
There are times, though, that allowing her children to speak freely and use their sense of reasoning to defend themselves can be exhausting for Risa. “It can be very tiring, like one of my children is very argumentative and willful. Sabi ko sa kanya, ‘I’m glad that you’re willful because you know what you want and you express it and you stand up for it, but discipline is discipline, and democracy in the home is not absolute.’
So open are the communication lines in the Baraquel household that Risa says she can talk to her kids about anything at the dinner table.
“We talk about the RH bill, here, at the dining table. We talk about different issues; their school, their friends… Happily, they seem to have similar views. I told them before, ‘Papa and I, we taught you our values, but as you’re growing up, you have to choose your own.”
At times, Risa needs to reassert her role as parent and her sense of authority, putting her foot down and having things no other way. “Once in a while, I’ve said, ‘Because I said so.’ It really sounds undemocratic, but sometimes I reach that point also.”
Risa is proud that she has raised her children to be simple and obedient, which helps when it comes to disciplining them. “In terms of withholding things, they’re not maluho naman. But if there’s something that they want, I tell them, ‘O sige you can have that next payday, but if there’s trouble, then it will be later on na.’ One time we had already gotten the thing, but we had a disagreement in the vehicle coming home, so sasabihin ko sana sa anak ko, ‘Leave that in my room first’, pero siya na ‘yung nagkusang iniwan ‘yun sa sasakyan. “Basically the sense that we’re displeased with each other, that’s already a punishment.”
Risa also considers herself as the “bad cop” parent. “My late husband was the more kunsintidor, I was and still am the disciplinarian. We have rules and principles.” Despite this, she believes she’s very open to what her children want and what they wish to pursue.
“I can be rather laidback outside of those parameters, like in terms of their choice of course, even their choice of school. That’s why they’re in four different schools in four different cities. ‘Pag may sense sila na ganon, and I don’t have a gut feel that it’s bad for them, I generally follow their lead on that then I just get to know the teachers [and] the parents.”
On the Loss of Her Husband
In 2005, Risa lost her husband, the late PNP officer Lt. Colonel Frank Baraquel, to a severe asthma attack.
She describes the experience as like moving in water, everything in slow motion, with a great feeling of resistance. “The first 40 days we mostly stayed at home. I went out for the first time and I noticed the sunlight was so blinding since I had been inside for so long and medyo unsteady pa ako, and usually I’m very surefooted. One time at the bank my cousin saw me but I didn’t recognize her.”
The family’s grief was so much that her eldest daughter stopped schooling for a year because she was afraid something bad would also happen to Risa. She went to work with Risa everyday for a year but eventually went back to school.
The experience inspired her to write a poem, entitled “Keep Breathing”, on dealing with the loss. “One way is to keep moving, keep one foot in front of the other,” Risa says. “You will notice that the hours become a day, the days become a week, before you know it one year na pala.”
Risa has learned to embrace what happened and the happiness that her husband brought into her and her children’s life. “It’s not something that we forgot or that I wanted us to forget. We wove it into our lives.”
“I’m not a very fearful person. I just basically do things one at a time,” Risa shares. “Parenting as a couple is very challenging, lalo na to solo parents. It’s very overwhelming. Just do things one at a time and then they’ll get done. When I try to do the easiest things so I can focus more on the hardest things, then those get done too – I just kept moving.” She drew support from family, friends, her college barkada, her kids and kasamas during the time.
She may now seem as an epitome of fortitude, and Risa admits still experiencing moments of agitation, but she has learned to recover from such instances. “When I get upset, ‘yung energy ko pataas. ‘Pag ‘yung isang bagay na malungkot or nakakatatakot, ‘yung energy ko pababa. I move closer to the ground – to be steady and balanced.”
Ever beautiful and aging gracefully, we just had to ask if Risa would be open to the possibility of entering another relationship again in the future. Risa says, “I don’t feel the need to be married again, but since I was happy before, definitely I want to be happy again. I want to grow old happy again.”
Me Time: Risa Style
Just being with her family during her free time brings Risa her daily dose of happiness and contentment, but in moments of solitude and the privilege to relax, she prefers watching romantic movies, unwinding with a good book written by and for women or listening to songs by Barbra Streisand Kuh Ledesma, Basil Valdez or Josh Groban.
Her son’s love for rock music has also encouraged Risa to be more open to listening to different types of music, to which she shares another funny anecdote:
Risa: “How poetic naman the lyrics of Linkin Park!”
Kiko: “Poetic?! No, Mama. Don’t tell that to my friends.”
The most admirable thing we learned about Risa, we must say, is that her ultimate me-time comes from taking care of her kids. “Pamper?” she asked with a laugh, as if it was something so foreign to her. “When I can pamper my kids, I feel I’m already pampering myself,” her selflessness as a parent ever showing.
“If the kids are okay, ‘yun na ‘yung reward mo dun eh. When the kids are grown up, when they’re finished with school, when they’re working na and they have their own families, I will have all the time in the world to pamper myself. Then I can sleep when I want, sleep as late as I want, spoil my apos.”
Trivia: Just Risa We took the chance to ask Risa some questions that focus on things that most people may not know about her.
If you weren’t in politics right now, what would you be doing?
“If I wasn’t in politics, and if my kasamas would let me, I’d go back to theater. I was with Repertory (Philippines) 31 years ago with Lea Salonga, Monique Wilson and Raymond Lauchengco. In real life, I’m a backup singer for Noel Cabangon.”
What’s your comfort food?
“Dark chocolate. My favorite meat is lamb.”
Eyes Forward
Risa seems to be living such a charmed life, but there’s still so much that she would like to do in the future. “I plan to grow old happily, to live at least until my 80s, to be an activist all the days of my life. I will continue to help governments like this one, I will help my party, I want to help mentor younger members and leaders. I want to have grandchildren.”
“Ang highest ambition, hope ko para sa mga anak ko is to be happy. I think we all want the same thing – to be happy, to take good care of our kids, to do work that means something and that will mean something after we die.”
We couldn’t have said it better.
